Saturday, January 14, 2012

Friday July 21, 2006

Well today I woke up even weaker. I'm starting to not like going to sleep. Every time I do I wake up more and more weak and numb. I'm using a walker now. My arms are getting too weak to even walk or feed myself. I am stubborn though, so I keep trying! Sometimes I have missed my mouth when feeding myself...we have to laugh at that one!! It was funny. I am still able to wash my body, but not my hair now. Getting my arms to stay up and wash is impossible. So my mom helps shower me.

Today there were a lot of doctors coming in and out. One doctor told me that they found cells in my spinal fluid. They are also telling me now that I have a tumor on my neck. They are thinking that the neck and head are related. The total spots they saw in my head are 3. At this point they are still thinking it is either a Cordoma or a Chondrosarcoma. We are waiting for the path results still. Hopefully Monday we will get an answer. Oh and now they found a spot on my wrist.

Later in the evening I couldn't urinate or feed myself. It is so hard to try and stay positive and not start to freak out. I just keep thinking of my life and how good it is. I know I need to get better. Not only for myself but for my kids. I still haven't been able to hug or kiss them. This is my only wish.

As my mom and I walked the floor once again like we always do...I'm determined to keep some strength up... I couldn't make it back. My legs were buckling under me and my arms just don't have enough strength to hold me up. My mom had to help me get back to my room. I was just two rooms away too.

My mom and I talked a lot. I just wish that when I left for the emergency room that I would have given my boys a BIG hug and a BIG kiss. Little did I know that I wouldn't be able to see them or hold them now.

The biggest thing is that I feel closer to Heavenly Father. My mom and I pray a lot. A lot!! The spirit in the room is not missed either. All the nurses and doctors can feel it too. I'm just confused why me? Why now?

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